Love is an experience that you feel within yourself. It is not something that comes from outside you. It is a result of an energy flow, from the centre of your being, that pulsates inside you. Love is a state which you consciously awaken within yourself. It is not something someone else does for you. It spontaneously arises when the armouring of your personality releases to allow the blissful, original energy of your essence, to express itself once again. This may happen in a conscious relationship, or as a result of specific spiritual practices, or both, which is the ideal and easiest way.

The biggest mistake that anyone can make, when they are looking for a loving relationship, is to believe that they need someone else to come along and love them, and then they will feel love. This is the classic victim mentality, which usually ends up in dependency and loss. It is nothing to do with the heart.

Let’s define the word “heart”, because this is the crucial issue for mature people to understand, if they are to have a great relationship and a truly fulfilled life. And, if you are interested in becoming an enlightened being, then it is essential that you perfectly comprehend what the heart is. Otherwise you have no hope whatsoever in becoming a self realised person.

First of all the heart is not the physical pump within your chest. Nor is it the Anahata Chakra of the yogic tradition. Nor is it anything to do with romance, nor is it what you are referring to when you say “I love you with all my heart”. The true meaning of the word heart, when used in the context of a life devoted to the highest and most joyous experiences, is far greater than all of these.

At the essence of your being, there exists a power, a force, which is the source of your life. It is the energy and intelligence that keeps you alive, when you are asleep, and at every moment you live. It is a supreme intelligence, sometimes called your Higher Self, True Self, Pure Being, the Absolute, the Life Force or Consciousness. It is the goal of every spiritual path to merge with this Beingness, to integrate your individuality with your highest nature.

The crucial factor for a successful relationship, and, incidentally, a truly successful life, is to carefully examine your relationship with this highest intelligence. Whatever concepts you hold, whether consciously or subconsciously, about this force that keeps you alive, have absolute power over what happens to you. If you believe the force is positive or negative, kind and loving or ruthless and uncaring, or even non existing, your life will reflect that belief precisely. It is like a supercomputer, that knows everything about you and responds exactly to the instructions you send it, regardless of whether they are life enhancing or life denying. In other words what you believe, again, consciously or subconsciously, will be given to you to live out. Like it or lump it, it is just the way life works.

So many people have had a dreadful conditioning from various religions and cults, about the creative, spiritual power of life. They have been conditioned to believe in a vengeful, cruel being, ready to punish them for the slightest transgression, with sexual activity as the demon par excellence. Or they may have transferred a dominating patriarchal belief, gained from their relationships with their parents and culture, onto this omnipresent power, and retained this subconsciously, as a set of instructions about what life has to offer them. This force is neutral, it just gives you what you signal to it – through your beliefs and thoughts and imaginings.

It is this crucial relationship with your higher intelligence, which is the central one in your life, the hub, and producer, of all other relationships, which defines every detail and factor of your experiences. Particularly in relationships. Think now, what do you really feel about the underlying, all powerful, intelligent force of Life? Do you believe in limitation, lack, difficultly and struggle? Or do you believe in comfort and ease. Do you believe you are here to enjoy, or to suffer, to learn lessons, to pay back karma? It doesn’t matter to life what it is. Whatever you believe comes to you. Life just responds to your beliefs. It is easy to delude ourselves about this. The best reality check is to examine your own life. This will reveal to you perfectly which beliefs you hold in your subconscious mind about what life has to offer you. Because you are living it out right now.

What is referred to as the “heart” on every spiritual path, is actually this Pure Beingness of life itself. The heart is not something personal. It is transpersonal, that is far greater than the personal. It is the supreme power of life itself, and it is within you. To “awaken to your heart” literally means to open yourself to more and more of the flow of this supremely intelligent life force, as it pulsates within your being. You use your relationship to help each other do this and it then becomes a great relationship.

Your conditioning, the events and experiences of growing up, family, school, society and so on, has caused you to literally contract from life. It is a physical, biological and psychological reality. You live in a subconscious state of tension and stress. Everyone does, only the degree of it differs. This closes you to the heart. A great relationship is the ideal means to unlock that contraction, open yourself to more of it, and so experience your highest nature. This is the true purpose and opportunity of relationship.

For you to have a great relationship, the vital fact to remember, is that the only love you will ever experience is the love which is coming out of you. This cannot be emphasised enough. You can experience someone else’s behaviour towards you, such as their caring, kindness, attention, intimacy, praise, gifts, words and actions. But all that does is to create the space where it is safe for you to open you up to your own inner energies. To decontract yourself in the company of that person. If someone treats you like that, you feel appreciated. You feel secure. You feel you are truly wanted. Trust builds. Lust and passion may arise to add spice to the recipe and so speed up the opening. What then results is the feeling you identify as love. What has happened? You have surrendered, opened, released, unlocked your own being in the company of that person. Love is what arises.

But, if at a later date, the circumstances change and opposite behaviours arise from that person, or you lose respect for them, then it is easy to feel the emotions of failure and rejection, such as resignation, anger, hate, jealousy and revenge. Where has the love gone? Nowhere. All that has happened is your energy system has now contracted deeply, allowing a painful restriction in the flow of your life force. Access to the heart has been closed off. Love has died. It hasn’t of course, you have just turned off the tap. It is always there to flow again, in the right circumstances.

Don’t ever expect anyone to be the source of love for you, or you will eventually be disappointed. It is a responsibility that no one should have to carry and it is a slow poison to a relationship. Realise it is your own system which requires releasing. Work on yourself, free yourself up, devote yourself to learning the means. Love will automatically arise again. If you get yourself into a state of love, relationship is a pleasure and a joy. It is sacred work. And the heart is the hub of all sacred places.

The question for any intelligent person, who truly wants to have a great relationship, is how do I awaken to my heart and so remain in a state of love? Because a great relationship is one where two people are living together, each in a state of love. The key is to take practical steps. Both partners do everything they can to create an environment where nothing arises which causes a contraction, or rejection, to the either of them. They know that love is, in the beginning, a delicate blossom, which quickly closes up when the clouds of selfish behaviour, cut out the sun of kindness and consideration. Later, when the understanding and consciousness are in place, when the structure of the subpersonalities is understood, then the flowers become strong and can weather the storms of the release of any past conditioning and negative emotions.

A great relationship is not a weak, insipid or pathetic thing. No, it is strong and vital, where thought for the other’s wellbeing is constant and paramount. It is one in which the two people grow closer and more loving with each year that passes. They learn to be open to each other, to totally trust and be trustworthy, and to truly give each other the fullness of their being.

It is a spiritual activity, because the word “spirit” actually means “energy of life”. A great relationship is one where the two people are together for their own growth and enlightenment. They are there to assist each other to free up their energy systems, unload any past baggage and dissolve the blocks that lock the heart. They live in absolute certainty that their partner will always be there for them. They are committed to creating the best possible life for each other. They strengthen their minds and their will. They keep their word. They are reliable. They are not addicted to anything. No excuses. No whining or blaming. They know what they want and they consciously live it.

These attitudes allow them to accept their partner for what they are, certain in the knowledge that both of them will continue the process of growth. Their goal is the highest experience of love available and they are in each others company to enjoy it.

The greatest sabotage to a relationship is one in which neither party grows. In life, there are only two choices. All things either grow, or stagnate and die. If you are growing, you will feel happy and fulfilled. If you are not growing, that is stagnating, you will feel unfulfilled, negative and frustrated. To have a great life, you must tune in with life’s goals for itself, which are growth and evolution. If you do, you will feel happy. You can grow in any area of your life – developing new skills and talents, improving your behaviours, becoming better at your job or hobby, getting fit and healthy and so on. In other words, in any area of life. Every day, when you awaken, ensure that what you are doing that day will cause you to grow in some area of your life. If you grow you will remain attractive. If you don’t you will become stagnant and therefore unattractive.

The simplest way to reawaken the heart, which in truth has never been asleep, you have only been asleep to it, is by the following steps:

1). Consciously create a fulfilling life for yourself in the areas of self expression, career, communication skills, finances and creativity. Choose whatever level of these you want and deliberately achieve them.

2). Unhook from any subconscious baggage by learning about your mind and personality and practising appropriate techniques. One of the best is Voice Dialogue.

3). Learn how to classically meditate. Avoid the so called sound meditations, visualisations and relaxation techniques. These are all known as Valium meditations. They sedate you rather than wake you up. If you need to be sedated they are fine, but don’t expect them to take you to the heart.

4). Chanting is also very helpful to vibrate your energy system. It is a tried and proven method, used for thousands of years by millions of people. It literally vibrates all parts of the nervous system, harmonising and balancing them. When practised properly, will give you an immediate experience of bliss. It is also the best way of getting over rejection. You can forget that “ex” in a day or two, if you chant a lot !!

5). Get fit and stay fit. This will give you the energy to remain conscious and do what is necessary to go through the above steps. It also is the secret to a good sex life. To have an enjoyable sex life you need to feel sexy. To feel sexy (which is different from fantasising) you need to be fit.

6). Make your relationship the central purpose of your life. Make it your ultimate concern. Make everything secondary to it. This does not mean sitting staring at each other all day long. You still both work and have leisure activities and bring up children and all the other normal things of life. It means when a decision or choice arises, the first consideration is will this have a positive effect on the relationship.

7). Make all aspects of your life a work of art. Which means you use everything to become more conscious. You become a cultured person. Your work is to do with improving the quality of life for your family and society. This is the secret of feeling fulfilled in your life, because you are constantly growing, and constant growth is what life wants for itself – and for you.