Issue 123
Enhancing Relationships – Part 6
‘Sexuality continued’
by
Hal and Sidra Stone
Sometimes, we have found an active sexual involvement in a deeply bonded relationship. With the current emphasis upon good sexuality, we have seen a surprising amount of sexuality these days that is the bonded sexuality of responsible parent to needy child.
The responsible parent is not a very sexual self and brings little excitement and depth to the sexual experience. However, a responsible parent knows that sex is important for her child’s well-being, and many a responsible mother has made sure that her husband’s needy son gets his necessary share of sexual satisfaction.
She may even keep an informal calendar in her head, knowing how many days have elapsed since the last sexual interchange. This is usually better than nothing, but it is not too great. Think of having someone make love to you for essentially the same reason that she makes peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for the children.
When this kind of bonded sexuality persists, both partners are usually dissatisfied, but it is difficult for them to figure out what is wrong. They may have frequent sexual contact; they may even both experience orgasm on a regular basis. Nothing seems to be wrong, but still, there is something missing. This is one of the bonding patterns that can be brought to one’s attention, by personal sharing.
Another frequent type of bonded sexuality is the demanding father/compliant daughter. This is the more classical sexual bonding pattern that we have seen in the past. In this, the woman submits to sex because it is demanded of her. She may even enjoy it from time to time, but it does not emerge from her own sexual nature and she is not involved in the same way as she would be if it had.
Since sexual activity is not her responsibility, she never gets to experience the delight of her own desire or the power of her own needs. We are not talking here of the physical coercion to have sexual relations, we are just talking of the daily ordinary bonded pressure from the demanding father in the man. The pressure from the demanding father often comes about because the man disowns his vulnerability and neediness.
He has a physical need that makes him vulnerable and he has an emotional need as well that wants to be wanted. If the woman in his life does not respond to him with her own sexuality, he often feels sexually inadequate and emotionally vulnerable, and as he disowns this, he is quite likely to move into the role of demanding father.