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Issue 116
Part 7 – Attractions and Affairs
The Role of Affairs in Relationship
by
Hal & Sidra Stone

Affairs, aside from the pure physical and emotional pleasure that they bring, serve a wide variety of functions for people. They also affect the primary relationship in many different ways. There are times when an affair will end a relationship. One’s vulnerable child rarely forgives and never forgets. Once that child’s trust has been violated, it is rather difficult to reinstate the level of trust and the intensity of relationship that had preceded the affair.

However much we try to convince or cajole, the child will not be brought back into the relationship in the same way once it has been betrayed. It will remain wary for quite some time. There are, of course, exceptions to this as we shall see.

These exceptions are generally found in people who have developed a deeper understanding of themselves and their partners and who can begin to really nurture their own inner children in a new and very special way.

If a couple is in a classically bonded relationship, an affair may help to balance the energies and maintain the status quo, or it may help to break the bonding pattern. In the first case, the affair protects the bonding. Take, for example, Dan, who lives his life at home in the responsible father bonded to the needy child in his wife and in his children. Dan is always providing nurture, help, guidance, and money, but his needy child receives no care.

In order to balance this, Dan becomes involved with a woman who wants nothing more than to take care of him and make him happy. He carries on a lifelong relationship with this woman. This affair, then, allows Dan to remain in his bonded marriage as the responsible father, while his needy child receives his nurturing and emotional support elsewhere.

Dan might receive the same nourishment from his office administrator or nurse or secretary. Not all such affairs are overtly sexual; some are energetic bonding patterns that can be very much like marriages. Unless the other partner is quite sensitive to the meaning of such relationships, no fuss is made unless or until the affair becomes a sexual one. Our needy children must be cared for, and we will find some way for this to happen, whether we do this consciously or unconsciously.

Affairs can also act in such a way as to break bondings. Let us take John as an example. He is exactly the same type of responsible father as Dan. His affair takes another course. He becomes involved with a very sensual, free woman who awakens in him his own disowned sexuality. The integration (or taking back) of this sexuality changes him and breaks the dominance of the responsible father who has always ruled his life. This, in turn, begins to break the bonding with his wife. He returns home and makes new demands upon the marital relationship.

Since he would no longer be identified with the responsible father, he finally tells his wife that he is dissatisfied with their sex life, that he wants her to take more responsibility for decisions in the family, and that he wants her to get a job and help out with the financial burden. He has also learned about feelings and about his own vulnerability in the freer atmosphere of the affair. Knowing this enables him to talk with his wife differently and be sensitive to her feelings in a way that had been impossible from his position as the responsible father. This, in turn, allows new selves to emerge in his wife who, up until now, has been kept in a dependent daughter position.

In this example, the affair would have broken a bonding pattern, released much new energy, and resulted in a totally changed marital relationship. It would have precipitated a period of growth rather than preserved the status quo.

Issue 129
Ritual and Spiritual Practices in Relationship- Part 12
by
Hal and Sidra Stone  

We feel that the inclusion of some kind of ritual or spiritual practice is another important aspect of relationship.

These activities are quite personal in nature and will vary greatly from couple to couple. For some, membership in a religious or spiritual organization and taking time to follow the specific practices of this group will work beautifully.

These organizations provide ritual observances that serve a variety of spiritual needs. Going to the church of one’s choice, saying a blessing over one’s food, and keeping the Sabbath are observances that have withstood the test of time. When they are followed wholeheartedly, they bring many couples the truly rewarding spiritual experience they seek.

Other couples find their needs served by spiritual organizations that have their roots in Eastern religions or in the Native American  beliefs and ritual observances. Many people have developed their own spiritual practices.

Some couples find that daily meditation together fulfills their needs for joint spiritual activity. Others take time for prayers at a regular time such as at meals, in the morning upon rising, or in the evening before retiring.  

Other couples may join groups that come together to observe particular holidays, not in a traditional way but in a spontaneously creative fashion that changes with  each observance. There are many groups of this type that are involved in the observance of the full moons, the solstices, and the equinoxes.

The aim of all of these practices is the inclusion of spirit in the relationship.

If we think of relationship as a journey of two souls, then  these are some of the rituals or spiritual practices that are designed to invite holy energies to join in the relationship, to sanctify it, to guard it, and to guide it along the appropriate path.

As we have said, these rituals vary greatly from person to person. 

It is difficult for us to imagine our own relationship without experiencing it in the context of its spiritual underpinnings. We always know in the good times and the bad times that there is a divine guidance that underlies our connection. We lose it with great regularity, but we find it with the same regularity. Each partnership must seek its own kinds of rituals and observances to sanctify the relationship.

Some of the rituals that can be particularly helpful are very simple ones and may even appear to have little spiritual content. In the more spiritual vein, we have learned to pray out loud together. It was a little embarrassing at first, because personal prayer, as contrasted with the recitation of somebody else’s prayers, is usually a relatively private practice. But once we became accustomed to doing it, we found that it was a very natural way to proceed. It is particularly comforting at those times when we have done just about all we can do for a situation and we feel the need to turn matters over to a higher power.

It is strange how embarrassing it is for most people to admit to their love of God. To admit it out loud is even more extreme. We both feel better for the practice. There are times when things are just too much, and to turn things over to a higher power feels very good. When this happens, invariably some shift takes place within us and in the relationship.

People have created certain rituals to mark the passage of the day. For instance, some begin each morning by making the bed together. For them, this represents  a way to end the night and begin the new day.  It is a way to separate themselves from the dream world and to enter the material world.

Many people have specific early morning rituals. For some, it can be making coffee or orange juice and bringing it to a loved one. Others bring in the paper and read it together. Still others may have a specific way of trying to wake up the late sleeper. Mornings, particularly, seem to be a time of ritual observance, whether or not these are actually thought of as rituals by the participants.

We have found it particularly helpful to spend time in the morning going over our dreams together and then taking some separate time for personal writing. This directs our first thoughts of the day inward. It gives us each a chance to say hello to ourselves, to get a feeling for what is happening within, and to set our priorities. We can use this time to think of our current situation in a larger perspective.

For many people it is a time for meditation or yoga, and these become very specific spiritual practices. The spiritual process is different for different people and may vary considerably at different  times in our lives.

It is important in a relationship to take the time to honor the relationship itself. We think that all relationships need this if the spirit within them is to be kept alive. Spiritual energies need to be able to access the two people in a relationship. We must make room for them, and this means time alone when we are fully open to their presence.

Some couples use their vacations together as a ritual, going each year to a place of spiritual or emotional renewal. This is their way of honoring their  relationship. Whether they go to their own summer house or to Hawaii or on a trip to the sacred sites of the ancients, the intent can be the same and the purpose  can be equally well served.

Each of us has certain places on the planet that feel sacred to us. It is these spaces that  feed us  and  feed the relationship. We believe that finding the time to be in these places and sharing them with one another adds great richness and spiritual depth to a relationship. We have had many remarkable experiences on trips to sacred places around the planet. We take our time and find our own special spot at each of these places, and then we generally spend many hours sitting there.

We feel that, from time to time, a ritual of renewal of relationship is important. A repetition of vows reestablishes the original intent and directly invites spiritual energies to infuse  the  relationship anew. There are times when you might feel that a new direction needs to be taken and that you must let go of the current form of the relationship.

At such times, you may find it helpful to actually remove your wedding rings (or, if you have no rings, each take some other object that has special significance to you), bury them in the ground for three days, and then bring them forth and renew your vows with the request that you receive extra guidance on your path.  

We have mentioned the process of visualization, the dream process, the “being” state, and learning to access the vulnerable child. Each of these is a way of accessing spiritual energies. As we have said, ritual in relationship and the inclusion of spiritual practices is important but quite personal.  

We have given some examples from our own experience as well as others’, but this is something that needs to be developed individually  for each relationship.

Issue 128
Visual Imagery in Relationship – Part 11
by
Hal and Sidra Stone  

A great gift that can be given in relationship is the experience of direct inner exploration. This can be accomplished by leading one’s partner in active imagination or visual imagery.

The technique is a simple one. One partner is the subject and the other the guide. A quiet space is chosen and arrangements are made so that there will be no interruptions or distractions.

The subject assumes a comfortable position, usually lying down and, if necessary, covered with a blanket. The subject’s eyes are closed or covered with a mask so that there will be no visual distractions. The partner who is facilitating then begins to lead the visualization.

First, there is the suggestion to relax and breathe deeply. Then, the actual journey begins. The point of departure can be left open completely,  and the subject can look for whatever image might emerge. A particularly haunting dream can be re-entered and the action picked up from where it left off. The partners can agree beforehand that there will be a particular path followed. One may suggest that the subject is going to some new kind of place that exists only in his or her own imagination. It might be a meadow or  a forest or mountain, or beach, or it might even mean leaving the planet.

There are all kinds of possibilities. Visualization can take many different forms and contains all kinds of surprises for the explorers  of the psyche. We are entering here into the realm of the creative imagination. Sometimes the journey opens up entirely new areas of imagery. For others who do not visualize, different thought forms can emerge-new ideas, stories, fairy tales, untold  possibilities.

On these journeys we meet different kinds of people, animals, symbols, and energies of all kinds. It is often possible to talk with these different figures, to learn from them, but with an aware ego that can evaluate the material that is being experienced. These inner journeys can be extremely enriching and often bring much light to bear on the relationship. They can give a picture of the relationship as it is, and they can give guidance on where it is going or what needs to be done.

The development of wisdom and the acceleration of the evolution of consciousness can be directly supported in relationship by regular use of visualization.  In this way, we can help one another gain access to inner knowledge by leading our partners, or friends, in these visualizations.

There are many books on guided imagery and many excellent teachers. One that we strongly recommend is called Creative Visualization, written by Shakti Gawain and published by New World Library in San Rafael, California. There is also an extensive literature in psychosynthesis to help us in these explorations.  If this type of work appeals to a couple, they can study together and make this kind of exploration an ongoing process, which can add an unbelievably rich dimension to the relationship.

Issue 127
The “Being” State and Silent Time – Part 10
by
Hal and Sidra Stone  

One of the extraordinary things about primary relationship is how little time people spend together in silence. Talking is fun, but it can also be one of the most effective ways there is of destroying intimacy. Most of us are identified with an action and doing principle.

The doing self always needs to be doing something. With another person, this would refer to talking or participating in some activity together.  The opposite side of the doing self is the Being self. In “Being” energy, there is nothing to do except “be.” There is no place to go, nothing to plan, nothing to accomplish. There is nothingness, a void, and many people are quite terrified of this condition.  

To “be” with another human being means just what it says. It means to be with someone with no agenda of any kind. There are often long periods of silence, or words may come, but they come from a different place in ourselves because there is no requirement that they come at all.

This condition of “beingness” can be painful for people because it is a condition of deep intimacy, and they feel really uncomfortable about this kind of closeness.

What we recommend is taking time to practice “being” together. This means just sitting together on a couch or two chairs and just looking at one another and allowing there to be silence.  Getting used to silence can profoundly change the nature of relationship.

The reason for this is that in silence you tend to come to a more essential part of yourself. While in a “being” state it is natural for all kinds of thoughts and feelings to come up. Just share them with each other. It creates a kind of flow of association, a non-linear thought flow that is much fun and very relaxing, once you learn to get into it and move through the initial period of discomfort and even anxiety.

It is natural in relationships of all kinds to react immediately when someone reacts to you. There is almost an automatic response of “yes,  but … “.  These kinds of automatic responses do not allow you to take in fully the reactions of the other person. The being self allows you to receive the feelings and reactions of the other person without needing to automatically and immediately respond to them.

Sometimes we recommend to couples that they take turns practicing “active listening.” This means that if there are issues in the relationship, one person shares while the other person is silent but actively listening to what is being said until there is nothing else to say. Then, after yet a further period of silence, they reverse roles. In this way, couples can train themselves to live with silence and to better receive the feelings of the other person.

Words are connected to our more established patterns of thought and behavior and feeling.  Silence opens us to the deeper aspects of ourselves.

In silence we feel our vulnerability, our tears, our sadness, our soul. To be together in silence is to create the possibility of a much more profound experience of intimacy.

Issue 126
Leaving The Known Place – Part 9
by
Hal and Sidra Stone  

There is a meditation that is used to help people get in touch with their deeper selves.  It begins with the statement: “You are leaving the known space of this room and going into a new space that is unknown  to you.”

This introduction to meditation is very appropriate when we think about couples living together in a home or an apartment,  especially when there are children involved.  It seems to us of the utmost importance for couples to leave their known space and move into an unknown space, or more practically,  a different space.

What this means is that we feel it is essential for couples to leave their regular place of living and to spend time somewhere else. It is best if this can be an overnight somewhere, or even a few nights. Short of this, it might mean a regular dinner out once a week or a breakfast out once a week.

Wherever you live on an ongoing basis, your basic bonding patterns are operating. When you leave home, you have the chance of separating from these patterns.

This is different from going away with the children. When children are around, the father and mother selves are active. Alone, you have the chance to have a different kind of experience. The aware ego has a better chance to emerge, and you have an opportunity of seeing one another in a new light and new way.

There are always good reasons for not getting away. There is not enough money or not enough time.  There is a party to go to or the children need you.

When you stop making time to be alone, you are locked into a bonding pattern, and it is the bonding pattern that makes it impossible to get away, not all the reasons you can muster.  

Intimacy with another human being requires time alone with that person. It must be given priority and needs to be built into the system on some regular basis.

When finances are an issue, arrangements can be made with other couples with similar needs to take turns taking care of one another’s  children.